Tales From The Jugular: A Humorous Look At Metal Genres
Heavy Metal - Style of music know for distorted guitars and generally
dark lyrics, Metal started around 1969-70 when Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple
blew up the 60s. Originally seen as the retarded cousin to hard rock, Metal rose to
prominence with enough outcast, teenage boys under its wing to stand on its own. Nobody
can agree on what true heavy metal sounds like, but most agree that it sounds best turned
Alternative Metal - Metal with alternative stylings and without the
regular metal guitar progression. Generally has whiney-ass singers. This is a good place
to put stuff that doesn't fit elsewhere.
Black Metal - In its purest state, Black Metal may just be the most
hateful, evil, apocalyptic metal on the planet. Hyperfast, buzzsaw guitar & off beat
blastbeats usually characterize the music. Band members like to drop heavy objects like
car batteries and decapitated pig heads on each other's nutsacks to get high, screechy
vocals. Some paint themselves up with corpse paint as white as a geisha girl's snatch.
Some worship Satan, some are anti-Christian, some are Pagan; as long as there's somebody
to hate, they're happy...well, sort of happy because that would go against the idea of not
being happy. Names reflect an obsession with "The Lord of the Rings" saga. The
question is--how much more black can it get?
Norwegian, Atmospheric, Symphonic, Pagan, Blender and
Death Metal - Metal genre that started around 1986 when some thrashers
tripped over their guitar chords and fell into the Pit of Hell. It's an extremely brutal
mix of speed, thrash, and gore with riffs that range from slower, heavy as molasses type
riffs to lightning speed fretwork with blast beats and pummeling double bass. Vocalists
are known to sound like the Cookie Monster with a bad case of laryngitis. Subject matter
can include all the lovely things in life like war, depression, corpses and the ever
popular death. Band names are generally end with a "y"--why? ...because they
love you. They also love sweat pants.
Floridian, New York, Gothenburg, Swedish, Atmospheric, Experimental, Grindcore, Mathcore,
Crapcore, Crust and Jazzy-Mathematical Genius styles.
Doom - Slow and depressing early style of metal created around the early
70's. Bluesy, chunky guitars mixed with supernatural lyrics dominate this style's sound.
You might actually say some of the riffs are crunchy and crusty, not chunky, but hardly
are they ever crispy or creamy. A lot of times they're crappy, cruddy and just plain
Hardcore - Descending from the limited instrumentational boundaries of
punk, hardcore's instrumentation is raw with vocals that are generally screamed. Small
clubs are its place of play. Musically, it's usually played better than hardcore punk, but
not as good as Metalcore which is slightly better, but isn't good enough
to be called Metal. Really, it just sounds like crappy played metal.
Hard Rock - Music featuring stronger guitar playing than rock and roll
with an edgier sound that was generally blues-based and somewhat distorted. Rose to
prominence in the 70's and became the music of choice for Budweiser-drinking,
Camero-driving, mulletheads. Most likely to start arguments whether it is metal or not.
Industrial - Techno-metal. Rhythmic-centered metal characterized by
additional digital effects and noises. You get all your snap, crackle and pops in this
one. Few bands are playing this metal much anymore because computers and metal is a
paradigm that few accept. Maybe not, I just wanted to use the word--paradigm.
Nu Metal aka Rapcore - Metal of the new millennium that's known for beatbox style vocals
with heavy down-tuned, groove-based, bouncy guitar work. Bands usually had one member that
was bald, one with cornrows, one fat with a goatee and one with Kool-Aid colored hair.
Throw in some body piercings, black clothes and a general angsty-depressive look at society
and you got it. Look for fans hanging out at Hot Topic in your local mall.
N.W.O.A.H.M. (New Wave of American Heavy Metal) Post Nu American metal
that combines harsher vocals and brutal thrashy elements with slower melodic parts.
It's similar to the Gothenburg stuff that developed from death metal. Plus, the
Americans didn't want the British to have the longest, stupid initialed name.
N.W.O.B.H.M. (New Wave of British Heavy Metal) British metal from when
Zeppelin was dying out in the late 70s and by far the longest initialized genre term in
metal. Bands exploded out all over the U.K metal scene just like how The Renaissance
period came forth from The Dark Ages. Now, that would make a cool, compare-and-contrast,
Power - Classic metal style featuring a twin guitar attack supported by
rapid downstroking, soaring high-pitched vocals, and anthem-styled lyrics. It's one of the
few styles with positive, uplifting ideas dominating the dark ones. Subject matter is
typically fantasy-based, dungeons and dragons masturbation material that male virgins like
to downstroke to in their attics. Still the style most likely to have members wearing
smelly, cheese-filled spandex.
Neoclassical, Speed, Teutonic, Symphonic, Power-Progressive, Viking, Folk and Circus
Progressive - Musically complex and highly technical, Prog players are
known for their skills and like to show it in their music with complicated structures and
perfectionist playing. Expect a whole bunch of self-indulgent riffs and musical/vocal
lines that don't flow. These guys will impress you with their well-coifed hair and playing
abilities faster than you can whip out a Julliard Graduation paper. Bands are the most
likely to play single-digit crowds and have a job at your local steakhouse during the
Prog-Power, Prog-Thrash, Prog-Death, Prog-Prog, Ping-Prog, but no real Prog-Black or
Stoner - Pass the joint, please.
Thrash - Thrash is know for being fast, aggressive, less controlled and
with the punk sensibilities power metal usually doesn't have. Fast rhythms are usually
supported by a rapid, unchanging downbeat on drums. Vocals are generally higher-pitched
rather than growling. Members are known to have long, stringy hair that hasn't been washed
for 6-weeks and credit card bills out the ass.
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