Navigate: main >> columns >> tales

C O L U M N S

Tales From the Jugular
MAXIMUM METAL STAFF TURKEYS FOR 2004


Agent Of Steel:

Six Feet Under-Graveyard Classics 2
This might be the worst tribute album by the worst band of all time. Hell, this might be the worst thing ever released. It's Six Feet Under doing "Back in Black" from start to finish, 'nuff said. At least it made me laugh.

Exodus-Tempo of the Damned
Wigger thrash sucks and this is no exception. From Souza's tired screeches and goofy delivery to the reheated Pantera thrashing, triggered drums and onward, "Tempo of the Damned" was quite a task to sit through all the way. They even made "Impaler" sound like shit. Only "Bonded By Blood" is real.

The Megadeth reissues
What a stupid idea! Put Mustaine in a studio, let him re-record vocal and guitar tracks on classic Megadeth albums while remixing production jobs that didn't really need to be fucked with in the first place. Sure, "Killing is My Business..." needed that treatment and it was done well and needed to be
stepped up a notch. Thankfully, "The System Has Failed" was surprisingly good and I've almost forgotten about these. Mustaine or not, it's blasphemy I tell ya.

UFO-You Are Here
Two words, JELLO MAN.

Probot-s/t
Dave Grohl may have listened to Heavy Metal growing up but that's no reason to record a Heavy Metal album around 15 years later when Metal starts to become "cool" again. Aside from having most of Metal's elite on vocal duties, Probot stunk worse than a van full of mexicans.

Dragon Force-Sonic Firestorm
Wank wank wank wank wank...


David Loveless:

The awards should go to:

Cradle of Filth for the less than mediocre effort on their latest release, "Nymphetamine". I really love Cradle of Filth but they have been going strong since the release of "Midian". I think the boys should take some time off to come up with some new musical ideas instead of rushing into things. The album is not a complete flop, as there is 2 or 3 good songs on there, but the Cradle of Filth that I am use to listening to releases albums that are devistating from start to finish. Come on guys - GET IT TOGETHER!!

Runner up should go to:

Slipknot for hyping us up for the release of "Vol. 3 - The Subliminal Versus", and then letting us down with the material recorded on it. Again, Slipknot is a band that I like, but gone is their passion for writing crushingly brutal material and their ability to keep us interested during the whole album. To be honest, I fell asleep while listening to it. And Corey, enough of the singing! Please save that for Stone Sour. Get back to the ear piercing, bowel disrupting vokills that once gave me the chills!

No offence - but no regrets,


IcedMojo

U.D.O.-Thunderball
The album was nothing new. After the novelty wore off (since it closely resembles Accept's "Balls to the wall"), it makes for a good paperweight.

W.A.S.P.-The Neon God Pt.1 & 2
Here is what i figured, Part 1 would grow on me after hearing part 2. Didn't happen. I was repulsed by part 1 and part 2 was just a joke, nothing more..When are they gonna get back to the days of Unholy Terror?

In Flames-Soundtrack To Your Escape
With Reroute being in a totally new direction, I thought, it didn't work, so maybe they would return to what got em there. I think it is safe to just give up on them.

Gene Simmons-Asshole
The title says it all where I am concerned. A perfect mix of disco, pop, and shit.

And let's not even start in on the "Supergroups", you know who you are.


Jonah Blaze's Thanksgiving Day Stuffers for 2004

Dokken - Hell to Pay    Sanctuary/BMG
Don will have hell to pay for everything he has released since his excellent 91 solo release. This record should have been called "bills to pay" since I cant imagine he has "donned" royalties from anything in the past 13 years. The new era of "wig-metal" is more dysfunctional than we all know. I cant wait for next year's turkey with yet another guitar player and more of the same post-modern-grunge-beatlesque-octavilly-challenged non rokken release.

Dio - Master of the Moon    Sanctuary/BMG
I cant drive 65! Ronnie: Goldy has got to go. I know he is a great guy and a great player but Mexico City has got better chops! There was a day when every song fit perfectly like pieces in the great Dio mystery puzzle, but today your songwriting suffers with the inconsistency only made possible by not surrounding yourself with great riff-writing and gun-fighting guitarists. Get a drunken englishman or some ambitious young eurostar and fully realize the potential and responsibility of Dio on this side of the new millenium. I will always pay the highest of respect to Dio and will always purchase any and all new and old material. Cheers to Ronnie being the oldest living active heavy metal musician! Let me be crystal clear here: There is a difference between living in the past and living up to the past, hence, Jeers to MOTM. :(

Velvet Revolver     BMG
What do you get when you get when you put a bunch of heroin addicts in the same room? Well, in 87 it came in the form of Guns and Roses. In 2004, sans Axl, we have modern take on a bad pose instead of a rose. Weiland doesnt even deserve to stand in the same methadone line as Slash and Duff even if he has been in Betty Ford more times than Gerald Ford. Another example of record companies playing Lou Pearlman and dissing quality music. The songs simply are not there. The hype certainly was though. As of now, the album has actually just barely surpassed platinum status, not that that is anything to scoff at in six months time, although Billboard and BMG would have us believe it sold a million copies during its first week of release in early June. Either way, this band wasnt built to last so I will just shut the hell up now!


Ken Pierce:
Queensryche “Art Of Live DVD”: For a band so adept at kicking ass after 20 years, this was a sub-par release and should have been left on the cutting room floor. I think they were trying to do some higher artform with the style of it, but it lacked punch and visual and made me want my hour plus back.

Metallica – Some Kind Of Monster Movie – Now, I love Metallica (except St. Anger). Most people I know also love Metallica and yet out of all the fans that I meet and talk to NO ONE HAS SEEN THIS MOVIE!!!!! How is it achieving critical acclaim? Where is it coming from??? LARS????? Maybe I will watch it on a DVD if someone lends me it, oh wait, it has 5 MORE HOURS on this, so NO FRIGGING WAY!!!!.

Dio – Concert In NYC – Don’t attack me as I loved the show. However I was not happy with him cutting his set based on him not knowing there was a curfew. I am sorry Ronnie, you been in the business for what 35 years now, you know when they cut off, its on the riders you sign. I wished he had cut the openers for the fact that he was doing a lot of Sabbath and Deep Purple made me want more Dio that evening and be very disappointed when there was not.


Frank Hill's Flying WKRP Turkey's

Dio - Master of the Moon
Killer cover, great vocals and riffs that put you to sleep like warm milk and a full belly. Props to the evil elf for still going strong, but this one drags like a 30 pound bird.

Manowar - Hell on Earth III
I expected a slaying of a good time with the full flex of Manowar muscle. Instead a lot of it sounds as bad as a fancam recording with the 'concept' of repeating the same songs, but in different countries. If I want a bootleg, I'll buy it from some dude's car, not the store.

Queensryche - The Art of Live
For years the legions have been calling out for the band to take hold of the flame of classic metal and lead the charge of power-prog again. Instead they get tepid numbers and as much energy as WCW Wrestling had before it went under...zzzzzzz.

Most of the rest for the year is gravy.


Neekoy

Contraband - Velvet Revolver
What a piece of fucking shit. The album that everyone thought was going to revive the dying genre of slut rock ended up doing more fucking damage then ever. I hope they all take more drugs then necessary.

Iced Earth's - Glorious Burden
I fucking hate everything they have ever done so why would this album change anything.

Damage Plan - New Found Power
I hope they are good live, otherwise they are going to get poor very quickly. This gets my Turkey Award, I probably expected too much too soon from two of my favourite musicians of all time.






Other Maximum Metal Columns


<< back >>













RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. HammerFall. Nightwish
. Grave. Big Dumb Face
. Symphorce. Norma Jean
. Solace. Mark Boals
. Usurper. Advent
. Liege Lord. Firewind
. God Dethroned. Carnal Forge
. Vyndykator. H.I.M.
. Agony Divine. SelfInflicted
. Iced Earth. Godiva
. The Graveyard Boulevard. Victory
. Pharaoh. Edguy
. Primal Fear. Defiled
. Deivos. Soul Reaper
. Dreamaker. Neverland
. Node. Killik
. Bleeding Inc. Kingcrow
. Jorn. Iron Angel
. Brutal Mastication. Schenker/ Pattison Summit
. Fireaxe. Meliah Rage
. Lilitu. Beaten Back To Pure
. Megadeth. Witchburner
. Silent Force. Ironhorse
. Anger. Seventh One
. Creed. Sonata Arctica
. Impaled. Dirt
. Yyrkoon. Tarot
. Desire Black. Angtoria
. Nevermore. Apocalyptica
. Wolverine. Samael
. Meshuggah. Kinrick
. Ignitor. Gizmachi
. Raintime. Blind Stare
. Raging Speedhorn. Manntis
. Graveworm. Subterranean Masquerade
. Dark Funeral. Evemaster
. Monolithe. Frameless Scar
. Morgana Lefay. The Atomic Bitchwax
. Orphaned Land. Crystal Fate
. ASG. Shattersphere
. Thrones. Mistress
. Akercocke. Overmars
. Vanquished. Absolution
. Intronaut. Ephel Duath
. Lair Of The Minotaur. Beyond Fear
. Upwards of Endtime. Hell-Born
. Scum. Dissection
. Boris. Manngard
. Phoenix Mourning. Elvenking
. Speed/Kill/Hate. Hate Profile
. Azure. She Said Destroy
. Scary Manilow. Teeth of the Hydra
. Lordi. Audrey Horne
. Extium. Quest of Aidance
. Phazm. Nagelfar
. The Prophecy. Divine Empire
. Spit Like This. Tears
. Denial Fiend. Malevolent Creation
. Kruger. Throneum
. Keep of Kalessin. Echoes of Eternity
. Dantesco. Cockpit
. Moonshine. Hacksaw Surgery
. Souls Of We. Alestorm
. Deadsea. Uli Jon Roth
. Suspyre