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Tales From the Jugular

I was bored, before going to my folk’s house for my Thanksgiving feast, so I figured, what the hell, I’ll watch a little TV. I looked through the on-screen guide when a show on VH1 caught my eye. Now, I know VH1 is a bit idiotic and usually one sided, but the show was “40 Most Awesomely Bad Metal Songs…..Ever”. Against what should have been my better judgment, I tuned in to see what crap they were spouting this time. One can assume that the word “Metal” enticed me a little; however, this is by far 2 hours of my life that I lost. Here is the complete list, from 40 to numero uno, along with my thoughts. --IcedMojo

40. Judas Priest – Turbo Lover
This may very well be the weakest song in the Judas Priest catalog, but deserving to be here--what, are you a retard?

39. Jackyl – The Lumberjack
I never truly got into the Jackyl sound, so I have no opinion on the song, but from what I heard, it is not a bad song.

38. Grim Reaper – See You in Hell
A kick ass song from a kick ass group. I still play it regularly. Outstanding vocal performance.

37. Iron Maiden – Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter
Maiden went though a phase that started after the Fear of the Dark record. Unfortunately, this song was on one of those stray records. It is a stretch to include anything from Maiden here.

36. Creed – Higher
Creed is not metal, so why is it on a metal list? That is beyond comprehension.

35. Green Jelly (or Jell-O, depending on the version) – Three Little Pigs
I will give Green Jelly credit for attempting the unheard of. The riffs were heavy for the time, so bad, naw, no way!

34. Ace Freshly – Rock Soldiers
Dude missed the Kiss Army. All he wanted were soldiers to follow him. Not with that type of crap.

33. Dio – The Last in Line
A bad song? Who made that ruling?

32. Guns N Roses – Estranged
Far too much orchestra for my taste, so my opinion did not vary much here.

31. Loudness – Crazy Nights
I’ll be damn. They trash the only Loudness album that I like. Damn em all to hell.

30. Bullet Boys – Smooth Up In Ya
So what, he is singing about sex. Rappers do it all the time, so why is he an outcast for doing it.

29. Accept – Balls To the Wall
Forget this. That is one of the all time great metal songs. The video leaves a lot to be desired but the song rules.

28. Slaughter - Up All Night
What is wrong with a feel good song?

27. Trixter – Give It to Me Good
Ok, again, I agree. There, I said it.

26. Helix – Rock You
Helix is a group that has to somewhat grow on you. What I think is that they hated the video, so decided to pick apart cool songs.

25. Marilyn Manson – I Don’t Like the Drugs but the Drugs like Me
You could make a shit list with most of this freak show’s noise.

24. Mötley Crüe – Without You
So they slowed down their sound a bit. Whoopty-fricking-do. I mean hell; it was on the same CD with TNT, Dr.Feelgood, and Kickstart my heart. I’d say the ballad fit in so that means VH1 is wrong again.

23. Dokken – Breaking the Chains
A virtually unknown, at the time, and an attempt at radio friendliness, hey, he tried.

22. Van Halen – Without You
Oh my god, can we say pansy. He is not Sammy, give up trying.

21. Quiet Riot – Party All Night
God, I run and hide every time I think I hear that song.

20. Danzig – Mother
I just have one question. Have you lost your mind?

19. Vixen – Edge of a Broken Heart
Richard Marx and metal do not mix well. Otherwise, they have potential. Actually, they remind me of Sinergy, which is in no way a bad thing.

18. Manowar – Blow Your Speakers
This was highly heavy for the time. Actually, I think the anti-radio and anti-video theme of it all is what earned it this spot.

17. Scorpions – Wind of Change
In reality, that was the only good song on the entire album.

16. Queensr˙che - Silent Lucidity
Get a clue, this is an awesome song. Slower than a lot of thier songs and this makes it bad?

15. Whitesnake – Here I Go Again
The people who came up with this list are idiots.

14. Britny Fox – Girl school
Honestly, I could care less about this song or group.

13. Insane Clown Posse – Tilt a whirl
Rapping clowns is now considered metal? Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery.

12. Hear N Aid – Stars
I assume that they did like “We Are The World”. What would be the difference? Can you tell me that?

11. Autograph – Turn Up the Radio
Look at the time that they were in. then call it bad.

10. Limp Bizkit – My Way
What is up with all this rap stuff that is called metal?

9. Cinderella – Nobody’s Fool
I never had any complaints. I really dug a lot of their music, and this was no different.

8. White Lion – Wait
Glam in every since of the word. I am glad that song didn’t hang around too long.

7. Ugly Kid Joe – Everything about You
Say what you want, but the song is as American as apple pie.

6. Stryper – Honesty
Good gimmick and it is a good song for a change of pace. This did seem to be one of their better written songs.

5. Winger – Seventeen
I always liked it, but, what do I know?

4. Poison – Unskinny Bop
This song is so bad that it doesn’t even need to be here, unless it hits number 1 nightmare song.

3. Kiss – Forever
I am just glad this was not a permanent thing. Co-written by Michael Bolton, are you shitting me?

2. Warrant – Cherry Pie
Clever, daring, and witty, but nowhere near bad.

1. Europe – The Final Countdown
Over 2.5 million copies of the album that contained this single were sold. Needless to say, I am positive that most of you guys and girls owned it. Admit it; I know I owned it back in the day. Out of date, without a doubt, but a lot of today’s melodic metal uses keyboards--the thing they said destroyed their sound.

The collaborators must have a crack pipe with them. Funny though, I have seen most of these videos on Metal Mania, and the original Headbanger’s Ball. I guess VH1 haven’t a clue of good. Whatever, that seems to be the way of the world now. Piss on the classics. How very sad it is!

**********************

Old compiled Maximum Metal staff choices with commentary:

Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me--Very catchy, very sticky, very dumb.
Def Leppard - Armageddon It--It's a clever play on words, get it? I got it and left it.
Ozzy - Crazy Babies--They're crazy, they're babies and Zak's trills can't save this one.
Ozzy - Gets Me Through--Ozzy is gone and this song should go with him.
KISS - Lick It Up--I'd rather lick a cold metal pole than hear the chorus to this.
KISS - Reason to Live--My reason to live is to never hear this again.
Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer--Every down-and-out, white trash couple finds inspiration and the strength to endure their poor-life burdens from Tommy, Gina and Jon.
Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive--He's wanted dead or alive, but he's seen a million faces and rocked them all with that loaded six string.
Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You--Most cheesy song ever written. I swear those five words are true.
Scorpions - Winds of Change--Hopeful tune about the fall of Communism. Shows that even international hits can be completely banal.
Scorpions - Rhythm of Love--As weak as the punch at a Mormon XMAS party.
Mr. Big - To Be With You--Sappier than the Tennessee National Forest.
Extreme - More Than Words—Battles with the above for Sappiest Ever title.
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn--Do yourself a favor and stick thorns in your ears.
Poison - Unskinny Bop--This song, a handgun and "Unskinny Bop Just Blows Me Away".
Winger - Purple Haze--Hey, Jimi, where you going with that gun in your hand? Hopefully to shoot, Kip.
Winger - Seventeen--Throw that jailbait little slut back to her momma for another year, Kip or you'll have the brightest teeth in prison.
Autograph - Turn Up the Radio--This song may be the nadir of the hair metal era.
Limp Bizkit - Rollin'--Somebody chokeslam these guys through a flaming table.
Megadeth - Crush 'Em--Describes what Megadeth did to their fans after this horrible stinker.
Metallica - St. Anger--Song...album, take your pick.
Metallica - Hero of the Day--Metallica has a great catalog of music. This isn't a part of it.
Anthrax - Bring The Noise--What do you get when bad metal meets rap? Jerry-Curl Aquanet.
Danger Danger - Naughty Naughty--Probably what these band members were thinking as they ran the train...on each other!
Twisted Sister - Leader of the Pack--I'm completely embarrassed on behalf of metalheads everywhere.
Manowar - Blow Your Speakers--Ugh. Put your loin cloths back on.
Grim Reaper - Lust For Freedom--Zzzzzz.
Ratt - Dance, Dance, Dance--No, No, No.
Helloween - Keeper Of The Seven Keys--Tried to be Halloween part 2. It failed.
Helloween - Hocus Pocus--Andi Deris yodels...enough said. Sounds better run backwards.
Alice Cooper - Poison--Alice's trite attempt to hit the mainstream.
Britny Fox - Girlschool--All the girls at this school dream of being Cinderella.
Slaughter - Up All Night--No drug, natural of synthetic, can produce this.
Queensryche - Hand On Heart--Play this and it's hands over ears.
Aerosmith - Livin' On The Edge--Repetitive to the point of self flagellation.
Bad English - When I See You Smile--Listening to half of this is twice too much.
Blind Guardian - And Then There Was Silence--I wish it was all silence.
White Lion - Wait--Wait, Wait before you write anymore crappy ass songs.
Van Halen - Finish What You Started--and play some of your old shit.
Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil (99)--Time has not been kind to this. Let's not have Shout At The Devil (09)
Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)--Probably, written about some pissed-off ho after one of the Crue's free trips to the Bunny Ranch.
Canibal Corpse - Forcefed Broken Glass--Not as bad as some people say--it's worse.
Firehouse - Home Is Where the Heart Is--Pillow-case sentiment best left in cross-stitch frames than on a CD.
Triumph - I Live For The Weekend--My I.Q. actually decreases when I hear this.
Iron Maiden - Weekend Warrior--Did somebody's kid write this song? Worst I've ever heard Bruce sing.
Iron Maiden - Chains of Misery--Really only has two faults - everything sung and everything played.
L.A. Guns - One More Reason--One more reason to break this album.
Type O Negative - Cinnamon Girl--yawn-inducing Neil Young at 33 1/3 RPM.
Kix - Don’t Close Your Eyes—Just close your mouth.
Warrant - Down Boys--Yes, we know what it's about and frankly, it stinks.






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