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Tales From the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost

--EC and Frank Hill

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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cave In. Mudvayne
. Opeth. Dokken
. Neck. Twisted Tower Dire
. Celestial Ode. Solace
. Masterplan. Evolution
. Paragon. Sevendust
. Rage. Beautiful Creatures
. Eidolon. Mnemic
. Thunderstone. Defiled
. Probot. Devil To Pay
. Babylon Mystery Orchestra. UFO
. Leash Law. Icon And The Black Roses
. Nova Lex. Juggernott
. Destructor. Meliah Rage
. Lilitu. Metal Church
. Shadows Fall. Theocracy
. Megadeth. Jamie. St. James
. Throcult. Mine
. Ironhorse. Creed
. Dark Tranquillity. Scenteria
. Bloody Sign. The Mighty Nimbus
. Divine Fire. Entombed
. Dirt. Korpiklaani
. Heartcry. Ravensthorn
. John Sykes. Severe Torture
. Chaoswave. Omegalord
. Bruce Dickinson. Lord Gore
. Sinisthra. Raintime
. Burden Of Grief. Slumber
. Groundcrew. Rudra
. Ektomorf. Nuse
. The Father Panic Riot Orchestra. Nightvision
. Sheavy. Clutch
. The Scourger. V:28
. Russell Allen. Dirty Americans
. Shattersphere. Vinterriket
. Balatonizer. Spellbound
. Wolfmother. Avulsed
. Machina. From This Day
. Sodom. Grimfist
. Nobody's Fool. Brother Hawk
. Fallen Wisdom. Mental Care Foundation
. Across Tundras. Event Horizon
. The Ocean. Silver Dirt
. Candlemass. Royal Hunt
. She Said Destroy. Ynis Vitrin
. I. Wastefall
. Stonegard. With Passion
. Trouble. Mithras
. Blut Aus Nord. Kruger
. The Wonderfools. Fight
. Keep of Kalessin. Diamond Dogs
. Cockpit. Demonic Symphony
. Blood Haven. Last Stone Cast
. Armory. Bible Of The Devil
. Kiuas. Cursed
. Faded Hope. Something Beautiful
. Crown The Lost. Raven
. Uli Jon Roth