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Tales From the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost

--EC and Frank Hill

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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Anvil. Big Dumb Face
. Mondo Generator. Poisonblack
. Rebellion. Regurgitate
. Cradle of Filth. Goatwhore
. December. Kalibas
. Gun Barrel. Abigor
. Cage. Alchemy X
. Pelican. H.I.M.
. Ion Vein. Tungsten
. Shakra. Murdercycle
. Edguy. Primal Fear
. Lacuna Coil. F5
. Fear Factory. Three Inches of Blood
. Volbeat. Death Angel
. Silver Mountain. Jag Panzer
. Bang The Union. downBleed
. Freakhouse. Graveland
. Highlord. Jorn
. U.D.O.. Black Destiny
. Potential Threat SF. Aina
. Megadeth. Jamie. St. James
. Neurosis. Mine
. The Last Act. Angra
. Hellfire. Suidakra
. Icarus Witch. Angtoria
. Crimson Moonlight. Stormwarrior
. Marduk. Severe Torture
. Holy Moses. Raintime
. Slumber. Pro-Pain
. Disbelief. God Among Insects
. Kult ov Azazel. Circus Maximus
. Taake. Nuse
. Frameless Scar. Alice Cooper
. Wetwork. Loits
. Redemption. Pagan's Mind
. Armored Saint. Violent Storm
. Penetrator. ASG
. Casus Belli. Vinterriket
. Dechrist. Skullshifter
. Bronx Casket Company. Motorhead
. Beecher. Decapitated
. Grimfist. Cardinale
. The Berzerker. Tris Katone
. Elvenking. The Furor
. Dawn of Azazel. Unsilent Phenomenon
. Warface. Ynis Vitrin
. Fleshgore. Anata
. Twinball. Celtic Frost
. Lecherous Nocturne. Quest of Aidance
. Melechesh. Stonegard
. Omnium Gatherum. Merciless Death
. Grenouer. Blood of the Black Owl
. Incrave. Abigail Williams
. Mithras. Aborted
. Diamond Dogs. Mongrel
. Alkemyst. 40 Below Summer
. Deceiver. Demonic Symphony
. Souls Of We. Virgin Black
. Intolerant. Uriah Heep
. Alestorm. Place Of Skulls
. UFOmammut. Faded Hope
. Raven. Suspyre