C O L U M N S
Tales from the Jugular
The 50 Worst Songs in Hard Rock & Heavy Metal
Like all genres of music, heavy metal and hard rock has had some real stinkers; bombs that drive people from the room faster than a skunk at a Victoria's Secret show. We compilled our own personal lists into one big list of songs that we think really smell up the place. These are the songs that have you racing to the 'Next' button or even wishing you had a sledgehammer handy. Some of these you may not consider metal or hard rock, but tough tittie; it's our list. We're not covering cheaply recorded demos and any of the really extreme styles like Death and Black will be considered with respect to their respective styles. We're also going to keep from being trend haters.
What goes into making a crappy metal song? Here are some possibilities:
--extreme commercial pandering
So, in no particular order, here is the compiled Maximum Metal staff choices with commentary:
Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me--Very catchy, very sticky, very dumb.
Def Leppard - Armageddon It--It's a clever play on words, get it? I got it and left it.
Ozzy - Crazy Babies--They're crazy, they're babies and Zak's trills can't save this one.
Ozzy - Gets Me Through--Ozzy is gone and this song should go with him.
KISS - Lick It Up--I'd rather lick a cold metal pole than hear the chorus to this.
KISS - Reason to Live--My reason to live is to never hear this again.
Bon Jovi - Livin' On A Prayer--Every down-and-out, white trash couple finds inspiration and the strength to endure their poor-life burdens from Tommy, Gina and Jon.
Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive--He's wanted dead or alive, but he's seen a million faces and rocked them all with that loaded six string.
Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You--Most cheesy song ever written. I swear those five words are true.
Scorpions - Winds of Change--Hopeful tune about the fall of Communism. Shows that even international hits can be completely banal.
Scorpions - Rhythm of Love--As weak as the punch at a Mormon XMAS party.
Mr. Big - To Be With You--Sappier than the Tennessee National Forest.
Extreme - More Than WordsBattles with the above for Sappiest Ever title.
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn--Do yourself a favor and stick thorns in your ears.
Poison - Unskinny Bop--This song, a handgun and "Unskinny Bop Just Blows Me Away".
Winger - Purple Haze--Hey, Jimi, where you going with that gun in your hand? Hopefully to shoot, Kip.
Winger - Seventeen--Throw that jailbait little slut back to her momma for another year, Kip or you'll have the brightest teeth in prison.
Autograph - Turn Up the Radio--This song may be the nadir of the hair metal era.
Limp Bizkit - Rollin'--Somebody chokeslam these guys through a flaming table.
Megadeth - Crush 'Em--Describes what Megadeth did to their fans after this horrible stinker.
Metallica - St. Anger--Song...album, take your pick.
Metallica - Hero of the Day--Metallica has a great catalog of music. This isn't a part of it.
Anthrax - Bring The Noise--What do you get when bad metal meets rap? Jerry-Curl Aquanet.
Danger Danger - Naughty Naughty--Probably what these band members were thinking as they ran the train...on each other!
Twisted Sister - Leader of the Pack--I'm completely embarrassed on behalf of metalheads everywhere.
Manowar - Blow Your Speakers--Ugh. Put your loin cloths back on.
Grim Reaper - Lust For Freedom--Zzzzzz.
Ratt - Dance, Dance, Dance--No, No, No.
Helloween - Keeper Of The Seven Keys--Tried to be Halloween part 2. It failed.
Helloween - Hocus Pocus--Andi Deris yodels...enough said. Sounds better run backwards.
Alice Cooper - Poison--Alice's trite attempt to hit the mainstream.
Britny Fox - Girlschool--All the girls at this school dream of being Cinderella.
Slaughter - Up All Night--No drug, natural of synthetic, can produce this.
Queensryche - Hand On Heart--Play this and it's hands over ears.
Aerosmith - Livin' On The Edge--Repetitive to the point of self flagellation.
Bad English - When I See You Smile--Listening to half of this is twice too much.
Blind Guardian - And Then There Was Silence--I wish it was all silence.
White Lion - Wait--Wait, Wait before you write anymore crappy ass songs.
Van Halen - Finish What You Started--and play some of your old shit.
Motley Crue - Shout At The Devil (99)--Time has not been kind to this. Let's not have Shout At The Devil (09)
Motley Crue - Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)--Probably, written about some pissed-off ho after one of the Crue's free trips to the Bunny Ranch.
Canibal Corpse - Forcefed Broken Glass--Not as bad as some people say--it's worse.
Firehouse - Home Is Where the Heart Is--Pillow-case sentiment best left in cross-stitch frames than on a CD.
Triumph - I Live For The Weekend--My I.Q. actually decreases when I hear this.
Iron Maiden - Weekend Warrior--Did somebody's kid write this song? Worst I've ever heard Bruce sing.
Iron Maiden - Chains of Misery--Really only has two faults - everything sung and everything played.
L.A. Guns - One More Reason--One more reason to break this album.
Type O Negative - Cinnamon Girl--yawn-inducing Neil Young at 33 1/3 RPM.
Kix - Dont Close Your EyesJust close your mouth.
Warrant - Down Boys--Yes, we know what it's about and frankly, it stinks.
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