C O L U M N S
Tales from the Jugular
Staff Predictions for 2005
--Don Dokken will sing for Cinderella
--Tom Keifer will sing for Ratt
--Stephen Pearcy will sing for Warrant
--Sebastian Bach will join Slaughter
--Mark Slaughter will sing for Dokken
Nobody will give a crap either way.
First show--Intro to players; Fred falls in love with Tawny; Jonah falls for Bobbie.
Second show--The lizard shits in the hottub.
And let's look at some of last year's predictions and the ending result:
Next year metal will see a slight surge, with the Gothenburg death scene dominating what is now called nu-metal. Bands like Shadow's Fall, In Flames, Arch Enemy, and Single Bullet Theory will all see a rise in sales and some huge touring offers.
--All true other than Single Bullet Theory. Arch Enemy has played the game like Agent Of Steel, going out with anyone that asks them. Shadow's Fall has sold extremely well, and In Flames have hit the big time, and have the dreads to prove it!
Van Halen will be back with Sammy Hagar on the mike. Expect to see a new record from them by fall, with a huge summer touring package featuring Halen, KISS, Aerosmith, and Bon Jovi. They may even do a platinum package offer to fans for a million dollars. Hey KISS did it for a $1000!
--Well they are back, and we got some new songs out of them. The big tour didn't happen, but it is coming real soon.
Motley Crue will hit the circuit again with very little success. The world doesn't care if they are shouting at the devil, shouting at their bitches, or shouting at their attorneys. The Crue is finished.
--They didn't hit the road in '04.
The 80s thrash scene will try to bring the popular Gothenburg death scene into their sound. Expect comeback albums from Testament, Death Angel, Dark Angel, and Forbidden. These guys won't go back to the sound that has made them however, only the sound that will pay off their 20 year credit card debt.
--This was completely off the mark. The only bands to release albums were Death Angel and Exodus. Heathen came back with a "lost relics" album.
By the end of 2004 a power metal band will finally hit the mainstream. We may see Hammerfall on a box of Wheaties.
--Again, way off the mark. Power metal seems to be completely shunned by the mainstream at this point. Other than Maiden and Priest, power metal is completely dead.
Black metal will be commercialized next year. Perhaps we will finally see the ultimate crossover of musical trends...black rap. Hmmm......
--Dimmu Borgir and Cradle Of Filth continue to be successful here in the states. Dimmu Borgir has even been featured on programming such as Battle For Ozzfest and Headbanger's Ball.
Expect 25% of all heavy metal albums to be packaged with DVDs. Thanks Metallica, here's a gram of coke.
--Correct. Nearly everything comes out packaged with a DVD. Everyone from Rage to UDO to Anvil to Shadows Fall have put out CDs packaged with DVDs.
Metal will see a big hard rock resurgence in the U.S. similar to the '78-'82-era and the pre-thrash days of '84-'86. Trendy bands will one again put on jean jackets and grow their hair long and straight so they can look like real old-school metalheads. Glam will attempt an unsuccessful comeback.
--Off the mark with NWOAHM being the big trend.
Sammy Hagar will rejoin Van Halen with vocals on a new CD and on stage with a series of short tours.
Commercialized Black Metal will continue to make inroads into the US market with at least 1 band breaking into the Billboard Top 25. Only the top few current bands will be successful though.
--Not quite. Cradle of Filth's Nymphetamine made #89
Bands to Watch in 2004: Judas Priest, Cradle of Filth, Iced Earth, AC\DC, Slipknot, Velvet Revolver, Fireball Ministry, The Darkness
--Big news for most, but not all had releases.
So, for the most part, I suck and should be renamed Nostrodumbass.
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