C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

Top 25 Worst Metal Album Names

By: Rod Throwen
Published: Sunday, August 13, 2006
Tales From The Jugular - Top 25 Worst Metal Album Names

Rod T. comin' at ya live! I'm making a very special guest appearance over here on the Tales side to bring you another heapin' helpin' of listmania! This time it's the Top 25 worst damn album titles. We've all seen it before. You are browsing the local metal section of your store and you spot that album. You say to yourself, why in the Hell did they name a record that. I've been there before, many many times, prompting me to make a list of the worst album titles I've seen in the metal industry thus far. Many of you have read EC's "Listmania" before, ranging from "Top Christian Metal Albums" to "Vinyl That Needs Released On Disc". I thought it would be a great addition to Maximum Metal to add my own list of titles, those crazy metal releases that just leave you asking WHY baby WHY?

Let me speak on this......roll it!

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25. DEZIRE - A Rock Band Named Dezire (There has to be something you can come up with...Dezire....I Dezire....Dezire Me)

24. BONED - Up At The Crack (Obviously intended humor...should have went Boned - Up At The Crack Of Dawn's Ass)

23. KARO - Heavy Birthday

22. AXEWITCH - Hooked On High Heels

21. NOISEHUNTER - Spell Of Noise

20. VICTORY - You Bought It, You Name It

19. AFTERWORLD - Connecting Animals

18. ROXXI - Drive It To Ya Hard! (You can pretty much insert any glam album title here)

17. OVERDOSE - You're Really Big (Clever)

16. KPP - Fist To Crush Your Teeth, Axe To Crush Your Skull (3 Inches Of Blood....it is too late to grab this title)

15. PAIN OF SALVATION - One Hour By The Concrete Lake

14. OTHYRWORLD - Beyond Into The Night Of Day (WTF!)

13. CLUTCH - The Elephant Riders (Fly Dumbo Fly Damnit!)

12. ENGLISH DOGS - Invasion Of The Porky Men

11. ROYAL HUNT - Paper Blood (How about Paper Cut = Blood)

10. FLESHCRAWL - As Blood Reigns From The Sky We Walk The Path Of Endless Fire (I want to hear Beavis say that)

9. PRETTY MAIDS - In Santa's Claws

8. KING'S X - Please Come Home Mr. Bulbous (Please don't!)

7. GHOSTORM - Frozen In Fire (Huh?)

6. ANVIL - Backwaxed

5. BATTAGIA - Cockroach Meat (Taste like Spam!)

4. RUNNING WILD - Under Jolly Roger (Images of Frank Hill pinned down on a prison cot)

3. WOLFSBANE - All Hell's Breaking Loose Down At Little Kathy Wilson's Place

2. HELLOWEEN - Pink Bubbles Go Ape (This reminds me of that old cartoon Grape Ape)

1. FREEDOM CALL - Stairway To Fairyland (Possibly the soundtrack for Will & Grace)


Honorable Mention:

Godsmack - IV (That would be all good if it were their forth CD, but it is their 6th).
Pariah - To Mock A Killingbird
The Duke - My Kung-Fu Is Good
A.F.I. - Answer That and Stay Fashionable
Loudness; The Birthday Eve
Loudness: Law of Devil's Land
Brats: 1980 Brats (talk about dated!)
HammerFall: Crimson Thunder (Dumb. You can't SEE thunder!)
Picture: Heavy Metal Ears
Picture: Every Story Needs Another Picture
Vow Wow: Beat of Metal Motion
Guns and Roses: The Spaghetti Incident
Headhunter: A Bizarre Gardening Accident
Black Mail: A Female Impersonator
Helloween: Rabbit Don't Come Easy
Strange Sects: Hair's Lookin' At Ya
Warrior Soul: Chill Pill (dated silly lingo)



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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cathedral. The Kovenant
. Racer X. Opeth
. Rebellion. Deranged
. Twisted Tower Dire. Dirty Power
. Celestial Ode. Overkill
. Queensryche. Widowmaker
. Masterplan. Tungsten
. Shakra. The Graveyard Boulevard
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. Avenue F. Tristania
. Creed. Azrael's Bane
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. Hellfueled. Seige of Hate
. Carina Alfie. Mystic Prophecy
. John Sykes. Cemetary
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. Communic. Leaves Eyes
. Thor. Wetwork
. Havochate. Agents Of The Sun
. Blitzkrieg. Scar Symmetry
. A Lower Deep. Octavia Sperati
. Lake Of Tears. ASG
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. Gojira. Ram-Zet
. Wolfmother. The Classic Struggle
. Zero Down. Absu
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. Katatonia. Cardinale
. Thyrane. Hell-Born
. Dissection. Boris
. Event Horizon. Phoenix Mourning
. Vreid. Bludgeon
. Suzukiton. Hydrogyn
. Psycroptic. Shadows Within
. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers. Abominant
. Anata. Belphegor
. The Abominable Iron Sloth. Oblomov
. Satyricon. Lupara
. Lesbian Bed Death. Obtest
. Sathanas. E-lane
. Panzerchrist. The Showdown
. Kotipelto. Quest of Aidance
. Urkraft. Handful of Hate
. Warmachine. Fu Manchu
. Omnium Gatherum. In This Moment
. Zyklon. Cruachan
. Nagelfar. Cattle Decapitation
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. JR Ewing. Night Ranger
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. Last Stone Cast. Manilla Road
. Godhead. Uriah Heep
. End of Man. DC4
. Uli Jon Roth. Earthen Grave