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The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cave In. Leng Tch'e
. Steel Prophet. Vicious Mary
. Twilight Odyssey. Carpathian Forest
. Immolation. Narziß
. Stratovarius. Helloween
. Circle II Circle. Majesty
. Mark Boals. Advent
. Ravage. Angel Dust
. Powergod. Tungsten
. Mourning Beloveth. Sinergy
. Pink Cream 69. Murdercycle
. Primal Fear. DevilDriver
. Body Count. Dreamaker
. Funerus. downBleed
. David Shankle Group. Highlord
. Low Earth Orbit. Gary Moore
. Marillion. Chapter VIII
. Meliah Rage. Dream Evil
. Psychotron. Wintersun
. Theocracy. Throcult
. Dark Ruin. Haunted By Angels
. Blind Guardian. Cryme
. Of Infinity. Crowbar
. The Apocalyptic Riders. Crionics
. Hellfueled. Kamelot
. Dirt. Astral Doors
. Hibria. Tarot
. Soulscar. Nevermore
. Darkthrone. Stormwarrior
. Kaamos. God Fear None
. Axel Rudi Pell. Burden Of Grief
. Blind Stare. Amorphis
. Maximum Overdrive. Dark Funeral
. Goddess Of Desire. Unchained
. Prowler Inc.. Power Quest
. Nightvision. Cannon
. Flotsam & Jetsam. Mercyful Fate
. ASG. 1349
. The Firstborn. Third Degree
. Vinterriket. Thrones
. Dechrist. Mistress
. Crystal Ball. Spellbound
. Dreamland. Avulsed
. Urizen. Midnight Idols
. Sinocence. Southern Black Sand
. Codeon. Tris Katone
. Upon Infliction. Royal Hunt
. Smohalla. Time Requiem
. Ynis Vitrin. Burialmound
. Abominant. Oblomov
. Thy Majestie. Amputated
. Middian. Skullflower
. Stonegard. Battered
. Manticore. The Chronicles of Israfel
. Crescent Shield. Five Finger Death Punch
. Rob Zombie. Trenchfoot
. Glorior Belli. Blut Aus Nord
. Nation Beyond. Ensiferum
. Cauldron. Dantesco
. Averse Sefira. Father Befouled
. Pop Evil. SOS
. Trinacria. Mar De Grises
. UFOmammut. Papa Roach
. Ihsahn. Sotajumala
. Sister Sin. Earthen Grave