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The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Racer X. Slipknot
. Steel Prophet. The Haunted
. Neck. Stratovarius
. Cradle of Filth. Machine Head
. Alchemy X. Exawatt
. Black Sabbath. Iced Earth
. Godiva. Nordheim
. Stryper. Stalker
. Wicked Sensation. Body Count
. Out of the Lair. Killik
. Riot. Jaw
. downBleed. Freakhouse
. Wolf. Metalium
. Low Earth Orbit. Marillion
. Lonewolf. Iron Angel
. Black Zodiac. Estuary
. Skeletonwitch. After Forever
. Annihilator. Acheron
. Negative Creeps. Tsjuder
. Tristania. Dark Tranquillity
. Sonata Arctica. Emerald Sun
. Lost Soul. Crionics
. Loudblast. Soilwork
. Dirt. Necrophagia
. Mechanical Poet. Darkthrone
. Diecast. Argument Soul
. Severe Torture. Novembers Doom
. Boomerang. Lord Gore
. Thunderblast. Communic
. Ektomorf. Prowler Inc.
. Leaves Eyes. Gaia
. Killing Spree. Resurrecturis
. Holy Blood. Warchild
. Painmuseum. To The Bone
. Black Majesty. Eternal Reign
. Russell Allen. Armored Saint
. ASG. Sun O)))
. Ignarus. Balatonizer
. Thrones. Mastermind
. Dragonlord. Dogs Of Winter
. From This Day. Enforsaken
. Thryfing. Nikki Puppet
. Beyond Fear. Wolves in the Throne Room
. Steep. Boris
. Silver Dirt. Cavalar
. Athanator. Dream Or Nightmare
. Speed/Kill/Hate. Hate Profile
. Destruction. Nachtmystium
. War Within. Warface
. Burialmound. Wednesday 13
. Zero Hour. Abominant
. The Showdown. Celtic Frost
. Melechesh. Southern Gentleman
. Dream Theater. The Chronicles of Israfel
. Marc Sasso. White Willow
. Mithras. Katrina Johansson
. Rob Zombie. Warner Drive
. Wuthering Heights. Lipstick Magazine
. Hell N' Diesel. Dantesco
. Orthodox. Father Befouled
. The Obsessed. Trivium
. Pop Evil. Armory
. Place Of Skulls. Giant Squid
. Dark Castle