C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Cave In. HammerFall
. Into Eternity. Loudness
. Vehemence. Grave
. Chaingunn. Narziß
. Twisted Tower Dire. Queensryche
. Nazareth. Rawhead Rexx
. Ravage. Legend
. Angel Dust. Vyndykator
. Pyn Siren. Tungsten
. Byfist. Shakra
. Dragonforce. Runemagick
. Evanesce. Dream Weaver
. Crystal Eyes. Beautiful Creatures
. Eidolon. Vhaldemar
. Slayer. Fraise
. Defiled. Secret Sphere
. Shiva. I Hate Sally
. Silver Mountain. Celesty
. Scala Mercalli. Riot
. Bang The Union. UFO
. Deep Purple. Bleeding Inc
. Kingcrow. Icon And The Black Roses
. Disarmonia Mundi. U.D.O.
. Ministry. Hatework
. House of Lords. Fireaxe
. Scorpions. Beaten Back To Pure
. Dark Age. Theocracy
. Division. Z02
. Polterchrist. Chris Caffery
. Slowlife. Throcult
. The Project Hate. Silent Force
. Blind Guardian. Mirror of Deception
. Avenue F. Cryme
. Creed. Betrayer
. Mercenary. Feared Creation
. Milkweed. Rottweiller
. The Mighty Nimbus. Requiem Aeternam
. Korpiklaani. Carbomb
. Desire Black. Carina Alfie
. Samael. Diecast
. Antares. Chaoswave
. Oathean. God Fear None
. Omegalord. Drunkard
. Lord Gore. Soul SirkUS
. Chastain. Holy Moses
. Strapping Young Lad. System Of A Down
. Callenish Circle. Raintime
. Fastkill. Shade Empire
. Pro-Pain. Sothis
. God Among Insects. Dark Funeral
. Secrets She Kept. Horna
. Killing Spree. Resurrecturis
. Loits. Evergrey
. ASG. Bolt Thrower
. Savage Circus. Even X
. Infliction. Wolfmother
. Define Divine. Detonation
. Dismember. Hate
. Early Man. End My Sorrow
. Mental Care Foundation. Daylight Dies
. Dissection. Tris Katone
. Event Horizon. Elvenking
. Athanator. Speed/Kill/Hate
. The Sword. The Strongest Proof
. Swashbuckle. Nachtmystium
. War Within. Time Requiem
. Pump. Setherial
. The Finals. Wastefall
. Satyricon. Teeth of the Hydra
. Audrey Horne. Escape The Fate
. Demise. Gaza
. The Gathering. With Passion
. Madking Ludwig. Old Man's Child
. Merciless Death. Zyklon
. Almah. Pantera
. Divine Empire. Wuthering Heights
. Sworn Enemy. Himsa
. Hellveto. Shining Star
. Mortiis. Armory
. Godhead. Souls Of We
. Equilibrium. Medieval Steel
. Mar De Grises. Kiuas
. Eighteen Wheels Burning