C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. HammerFall. Children Of Bodom
. Carpathian Forest. Regurgitate
. Stratovarius. Overkill
. Warhorse. Circle II Circle
. Mark Boals. Ring of Fire
. Godflesh. Rawhead Rexx
. Lamb of God. Agoraphobic Nosebleed
. Dark Moor. Sickspeed
. Metallica. Abigor
. Byfist. Black Sabbath
. Shakra. Steel Preacher
. Malstrom. Eidolon
. Vhaldemar. Windseeker
. Drillpoint. Pharaoh
. Edguy. Krisiun
. Primal Fear. Brides of Destruction
. Three Inches of Blood. I Hate Sally
. Construcdead. Jaw
. Bang The Union. Freakhouse
. Cans. W.A.S.P.
. Icon And The Black Roses. Disarmonia Mundi
. Velvet Revolver. Judas Priest
. Fabrizio Bonanno. After Forever
. Black Destiny. Dark Age
. Division. Polterchrist
. Valume Nob. Mirror of Deception
. Seventh One. Hanzel Und Gretyl
. Angra. Tristania
. Napalm Death. Feared Creation
. Legion. Code Black
. Bloody Sign. The New Breed
. Rottweiller. Lost Soul
. Corrosion Of Conformity. Veni Domine
. Dirt. Sabaton
. Desire Black. Icarus Witch
. Chuck Schuldiner. Mystic Prophecy
. John Sykes. Wolverine
. Samael. Diecast
. Pure Inc. Frantic Bleep
. Drunkard. Lord Gore
. Chastain. Neil Turbin
. Hatesphere. Disbelief
. Rudra. Manntis
. Nuse. Gemini 5
. Dam. Gaia
. Frameless Scar. Widow
. Love Forsaken. Morgana Lefay
. Clutch. Iron Maidens
. To The Bone. Peccatum
. Before The Dawn. Crystal Fate
. Barcode. Third Degree
. Mabon. Savage Circus
. Phantom X. Crystal Ball
. Cryogen. Infliction
. Celebratum. Dragonlord
. The Tenth Circle. Torture Killer
. Virgin Steele. Hate
. Beecher. Thryfing
. Sepultura. Tandjent
. Blackmore's Night. Ephel Duath
. Beyond Fear. Thyrane
. Daylight Dies. Clawfinger
. Cryptopsy. Leviathan/Sapthuran
. Viron. Manngard
. Bal-Sagoth. Athanator
. Candlemass. The Furor
. The Strongest Proof. Spawn of Possession
. Theater of Tragedy. Vengeance
. Swashbuckle. Skid Row
. Skyforger. Wednesday 13
. The Ruins of Beverast. Pretty Maids
. The Showdown. Cheva
. Demise. Starkweather
. Stonegard. Terry Sullivan
. Incrave. Marc Sasso
. Mendeed. Satariel
. Malevolent Creation. Throneum
. Fight. Pathology
. Alkemyst. I Shalt Become
. The Obsessed. Jesus Martyr
. Straight Line Stitch. Manilla Road
. Trinacria. Bible Of The Devil
. Alestorm. Kiuas
. Son of Eric. Winterfylleth
. Mustasch. Suffocation