C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Loudness. Mudvayne
. Nightwish. Chaingunn
. Rebellion. Twisted Tower Dire
. Helloween. Widowmaker
. Manowar. Angel Dust
. Black Label Society. Led Zeppelin
. Ion Vein. Supervillain
. Biomechanical. Dragonforce
. Chainsnap. Mourning Beloveth
. Lanfear. Dream Weaver
. Malstrom. Stryper
. Duke. Halloween
. Hypocrisy. Pharaoh
. Doro. Hard Echo
. Tesla. F5
. Force Of Evil. Jaw
. Bang The Union. Leash Law
. Cans. Skyfire
. Donnerkopf. U.D.O.
. Dragonspoon. Hatework
. Fabrizio Bonanno. Schenker/ Pattison Summit
. Krokus. Bonfire
. Unleashed. Meliah Rage
. Dream Evil. Saxon
. Imp. Theocracy
. Annihilator. Marshall Law
. Jamie. St. James. The Last Act
. Blind Guardian. Avenue F
. Cryme. Creed
. Triumph. Napalm Death
. Mercenary. Of Infinity
. Blood Red Throne. Sabaton
. Vicious Circle. Tarot
. Angtoria. the missing:
. Crimson Moonlight. Chaoswave
. Boomerang. Meshuggah
. Drunkard. Babylon
. Biss. Astarte
. Amorphis. Maximum Overdrive
. Slough Feg. Subterranean Masquerade
. Goddess Of Desire. Unchained
. Dynamic Lights. Sebastian Bach
. The Father Panic Riot Orchestra. Love Forsaken
. Sheavy. Havochate
. Clutch. Loits
. Redemption. V:28
. Pagan's Mind. Orphaned Land
. Before The Dawn. Penetrator
. ASG. Savage Circus
. Ewigkeit. The Absence
. Akercocke. Crystal Ball
. Chain Collector. Sinocence
. Gorefest. Khold
. Nocturnal Rites. Absolution
. Vader. Taunusheim
. Sodom. Powerglove
. Daylight Dies. Scum
. Clawfinger. Leviathan/Sapthuran
. The Ocean. Valhalla
. Vore. Manngard
. Phoenix Mourning. Pyramaze
. Upon Infliction. Theater of Tragedy
. Fleshgore. From the Grave
. Hurt. Belphegor
. Amputated. Lupara
. Lesbian Bed Death. Sathanas
. Extium. Lecherous Nocturne
. Phazm. The Gathering
. Threat Signal. Onslaught
. In This Moment. Mindgrinder
. Madking Ludwig. Merciless Death
. Cattle Decapitation. The Prophecy
. Pentacle. Transmission 0
. Throneum. Architect
. Himsa. Ensiferum
. Cauldron. Destynation
. Pathology. Orthodox
. Bilocate. 40 Below Summer
. Ost Est Ima. Aetherius Obscuritas
. To-Mera. Virgin Black
. Alestorm. End of Man
. Something Beautiful. Dark Castle