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The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Hate Eternal. Opeth
. Vehemence. Big Dumb Face
. Neck. Goatwhore
. Deranged. Queensryche
. Majesty. Abigor
. Cage. Johnny Lokke
. Kilfast. Crystal Eyes
. Sludge!. DevilDriver
. Project: Failing Flesh. Deivos
. Out of the Lair. Three Inches of Blood
. Riot. Freakhouse
. Kingcrow. Marillion
. Judas Priest. Joe Stump
. House of Lords. De Lirium's Order
. Devil In The Kitchen. Therion
. Fireaxe. Chapter VIII
. Psychotron. Medusa
. Division. Polterchrist
. Internal Bleeding. Tartharia
. Dark Ruin. Mine
. The Project Hate. Arch Enemy
. Incantation. Agnostic Front
. Tsjuder. Angra
. Betrayer. Legion
. Kinetic. Paradise Lost
. The Mighty Nimbus. Crionics
. Ravensthorn. Mystic Prophecy
. Kinrick. Swallow The Sun
. Thunderblast. Ignitor
. Raintime. Shade Empire
. Manntis. Darkane
. Dark Funeral. Nuse
. Sebastian Bach. Cannon
. Morgana Lefay. The Scourger
. Warchild. Octavia Sperati
. Black Majesty. Eternal Reign
. Dragonia. Monster Magnet
. Russell Allen. Dirty Americans
. ASG. Savage Circus
. Paths Of Possession. Ghost Machinery
. Thrones. Doomfoxx
. Vile. Dragonlord
. Motorhead. Sodom
. Second Shadow. Thryfing
. Lair Of The Minotaur. Daylight Dies
. Scum. Viron
. Manngard. Silver Dirt
. Pyramaze. Athanator
. Stormcrow. Cult of Luna
. Bloodbound. She Said Destroy
. Amon Amarth. Sahg
. Warface. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers
. Venom. E-lane
. Handful of Hate. Skullflower
. Melechesh. Threat Signal
. Merciless Death. Dezperadoz
. Almah. Mendeed
. Five Finger Death Punch. Gotthard
. Katrina Johansson. Glorior Belli
. Kruger. David Galas
. Hellveto. Ensiferum
. Alkemyst. Bilocate
. Cockpit. Gutted With Broken Glass
. Jesus Martyr. Last Stone Cast
. Hacksaw Surgery. Equilibrium
. Trinacria. Something Beautiful
. Caliban. Dark Castle