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The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Hate Eternal. LA Guns
. Loudness. Opeth
. Grave. BloodDuster
. Perzonal War. Goatwhore
. Sickspeed. Masterplan
. Late Nite Romeo. Crystal Eyes
. Pink Cream 69. Krisiun
. DevilDriver. Lacuna Coil
. Probot. Brides of Destruction
. Hard Echo. Silver Mountain
. Gamma Ray. De Lirium's Order
. Ungodly. Bonfire
. Dream Evil. Final Dawn
. Megadeth. Age Of Silence
. Mine. Seventh One
. Jackyl. Hanzel Und Gretyl
. Karmakanic. Tristania
. Betrayer. Dark Tranquillity
. Mercenary. The New Breed
. Corrosion Of Conformity. Seige of Hate
. Argument Soul. Novembers Doom
. Boomerang. Lord Gore
. Operatika. Ramesses
. Slumber. Nightrage
. Groundcrew. Embraze
. Rudra. Brand New Sin
. Ektomorf. Subterranean Masquerade
. Unchained. Unshine
. Cannon. Havochate
. Clutch. Iron Maidens
. Blitzkrieg. Flotsam & Jetsam
. Armored Saint. Penetrator
. Running Wild. Gojira
. Skullshifter. The Classic Struggle
. Absu. Early Man
. Sepultura. Southern Black Sand
. Naked Beggars. Cardinale
. Blackmore's Night. Poison
. Ephel Duath. Nikki Puppet
. Daylight Dies. Tris Katone
. Cryptopsy. Leviathan/Sapthuran
. The Sword. 8th Sin
. Dreams of Damnation. Stormcrow
. Cult of Luna. Space Odyssey
. Swashbuckle. Dendura
. Warface. Agalloch
. Zero Hour. Belphegor
. Eyes of Ligeia. Eighteen Visions
. Lesbian Bed Death. Audrey Horne
. Winger. Darkness Eternal
. Extium. Lecherous Nocturne
. Handful of Hate. Skullflower
. Twisted Into Form. With Passion
. Terry Sullivan. The Chronicles of Israfel
. Crescent Shield. White Willow
. Passion. The Prophecy
. Rob Zombie. Wuthering Heights
. Trenchfoot. Funeral
. Nation Beyond. Depressed Mode
. Hell N' Diesel. Keldian
. Diamond Dogs. Cockpit
. 40 Below Summer. Mortiis
. Bullet For My Valentine. Mar De Grises
. Bible Of The Devil. Nasty Idols
. My Dying Bride