C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Demons and Wizards. In Flames
. The Kovenant. Sinner
. Steel Prophet. The Great Deceiver
. Grave. Vicious Mary
. Twilight Odyssey. Big Dumb Face
. Immolation. Poisonblack
. Grave Digger. Deceased
. Neck. Solace
. Helloween. Majesty
. Usurper. Advent
. Rawhead Rexx. Lamb of God
. Mortician. Crematorium
. Angel Dust. Abigor
. Powergod. Endless Time
. Fireball Ministry. Artension
. King Diamond. Crystal Eyes
. Rob Rock. Nordheim
. Whitesnake. Project: Failing Flesh
. Body Count. Secret Sphere
. F5. Node
. Death Angel. Silver Mountain
. Cans. Velvet Revolver
. Cyst. Estuary
. Destructor. Therion
. Dio. Wintersun
. Aina. Megadeth
. Annihilator. Scavenger
. Polterchrist. Jungle Rot
. Internal Bleeding. Jamie. St. James
. Conquestador. Silent Force
. Hanzel Und Gretyl. Karmakanic
. Twisted Sister. Creed
. Triumph. Napalm Death
. Feared Creation. Bloody Sign
. Cradle To Grave. Gods Of Fire
. Ligeia. Maze Of Torment
. Labyrinth. Hibria
. Yyrkoon. Vicious Circle
. Strikelight. Nevermore
. the missing:. Samael
. Crimson Moonlight. Cemetary
. Argument Soul. Marduk
. Pure Inc. Drunkard
. System Of A Down. Gizmachi
. Burden Of Grief. Nightrage
. Groundcrew. Embraze
. Astarte. Python
. Graveworm. Amorphis
. Communic. Darkane
. Circus Maximus. Nuse
. Gaia. Cannon
. Iron Maidens. Nuclear Assault
. Lake Of Tears. The Atomic Bitchwax
. Monster Magnet. Evergrey
. Armored Saint. Violent Storm
. Blood Thirsty Demons. Third Degree
. Mabon. Running Wild
. Savage Circus. Ewigkeit
. Thrones. Overmars
. Vanquished. From This Day
. Tandjent. Fields Of The Nephilim
. Nightmare. Degree Absolute
. Event Horizon. Leviathan/Sapthuran
. Bal-Sagoth. Athanator
. TK-421. Cult of Luna
. Fragments of Unbecoming. Unsilent Phenomenon
. Bloodbound. Smohalla
. Hydrogyn. Psycroptic
. Burialmound. Abominant
. Pump. Anata
. Zoroaster. Twinball
. Darkness Eternal. Middian
. Starkweather. Quest of Aidance
. With Passion. Crescent Shield
. Mendeed. Nominon
. Antigama. Blut Aus Nord
. Himsa. Ensiferum
. Heresi. Night Ranger
. Glenn Hughes. Ost Est Ima
. Father Befouled. Pop Evil
. Embalming Theatre. Trinacria
. Deadsea. Kiuas
. Son of Eric. Battleroar
. Mustasch. Sotajumala
. Caliban