C O L U M N S

Tales from the Jugular

The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

By: Eric Compton & Frank Hill
Published: Friday, June 1, 2007
The Equations Of Metal Sub-Genres

Have you ever spotted a black metal band member and thought to yourself, "Wow, he is really the poster boy for that genre"? So many times an entire sub-genre of metal seems to sport the same type of look or theme. We thought it would be cool to list some various sub-genres and show you the correct equation needed to fit into that category. Take a look and remember to smile!

  • Avant-Garde
= Long Flower Dress + Large Cross Pendant + Muddy Shoes
  • Black Metal
= Illegible Logo + "Lord Of The Rings" Character Name + K.I.S.S Paint
  • Death Metal
= Long Red Hair + Laced Reebok Hightops + Sweatpants
  • Doom Metal
= Monk Robe + Afro + Large Cross Pendant
  • Glam Metal
= Spandex + Aquanet + Poofed Hair + Rehab Court Order
  • Gothic Metal
= Night-Gown Coats + 1 Female + 1 Finland Native
  • Grind Metal
= Polo Shirt + Khaki Pants
  • Hard Rock
= Long Hair + Hairy Chest + Waxed Eyebrows + Snakeskin Guitar Strap + Night-Gown Coat
  • Japanese Metal
= Black Tee + Short Hair + Inaudible Verses + English Chorus' + Constipated Solos
  • Math Metal
= Button-Up Polo + Jeans + Horn Rimmed Glasses
  • Neo-Classical Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots + Bowel Movement Expressions
  • NWOBHM
= Bad Haircuts + Thick Accents + Bad Teeth
  • Power Metal
= Leather Jacket + Long Brushed Hair + Spandex + D&D Reference Book
  • Progressive Metal
= Juilliard Degrees + Coiffed perms + Frilly Shirts + Sci-fi Themes
  • Sleaze Metal
= Air Conditioned Jeans + Cigarette + Aquanet + Rehab Resume
  • Speed Metal
= Slayer Tee + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Body Odor + Denim Jacket
  • Stoner Metal
= Bellbottom Pants + Long Sideburns + Mary Jane
  • Symphonic Metal
= Night-Gown Coat + Knee-High Black Boots
  • Thrash Metal
= Long Red Hair + Unlaced Reebok Hightops + Denim Jacket With Bright Backpatch
  • Teutonic Metal
= Bald Head + Leather Jacket + Crotch Rocket + All V words pronounced as W words (Wictory!!)
  • Viking Metal
= Black Leather + Spikes + Long Red Hair + Body Odor + Rural Outpost




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RANDOM ACTS OF METAL
. Grave. BloodDuster
. Poisonblack. Tiamat
. Narziß. Stratovarius
. Steel Attack. Metallica
. Vyndykator. Evolution
. Endless Time. Agony Divine
. Iced Earth. Paragon
. Sevendust. King Diamond
. Lanfear. Savatage
. Brides of Destruction. Asperity
. Mother Misery. Construcdead
. Exodus. Babylon Mystery Orchestra
. Madison Paige. Outworld
. Skyfire. Gamma Ray
. Nova Lex. Jorn
. Gary Moore. Iron Angel
. Hatework. Spiral Madness
. Joe Lynn Turner. Insomnium
. Joey Belladonna. Killswitch Engage
. Wintersun. Aina
. Otep. Katagory V
. Internal Bleeding. Slowlife
. House of Shakira. Tartharia
. Six Feet Under. Arch Enemy
. The Last Act. Trans-Siberian Orchestra
. Avenue F. Tristania
. Betrayer. Dark Tranquillity
. Hellfueled. Impaled
. Loudblast. the missing:
. Drunkard. Gizmachi
. Burden Of Grief. Astarte
. God Among Insects. Kult ov Azazel
. Evemaster. Prowler Inc.
. Agents Of The Sun. Illuminatus
. Black Majesty. Pagan's Mind
. Penetrator. Casus Belli
. Ghost Machinery. Phantom X
. Zero Down. Khold
. Absu. Early Man
. Blackmore's Night. Fields Of The Nephilim
. Scum. Valhalla
. Silver Dirt. TK-421
. Nachtmystium. Hurt
. Jeff Walker und Die Fluffers. Belphegor
. Twinball. Obtest
. Sathanas. Cheva
. Extium. Steve Cone
. Handful of Hate. Warmachine
. Fu Manchu. Diagnose: Lebensgefahr
. Southern Gentleman. Threat Signal
. Mindgrinder. Merciless Death
. Dezperadoz. Cattle Decapitation
. Textures. Divine Empire
. Wuthering Heights. Faith And Fire
. Temple Of Blood. Ensiferum
. Diamond Dogs. Spheric Universe Experience
. Heresi. Cockpit
. Jesus Martyr. Blood Haven
. Hacksaw Surgery. Celestia
. Place Of Skulls. Sin
. Luna Mortis. Faded Hope
. Winterfylleth. Mustasch
. My Dying Bride. Raven