Contrary to common outsider beliefs, heavy metal fans have a variety of personalities, looks and attitudes. Which Headbanger are you?

ADONIS is the gender opposite of HOTTIE. He always has perfectly permed hair, ultra-bright teeth and is always wearing an open shirt to show off his natural washboard abs. Thinks he can get any HOTTIE but is really more in love with himself than anything.

ARCHIVE has a housefull of metal. He has forgotten more bands then you'll ever know.

BETH is a sweet, average chick who gets her issues out with her earphones and a pawn shop stereo. She shocks everyone when she says she loves Overkill.

BIG HAIR is a chick who's stuck in the late-80s with teased-up hair, big legs and a skirt three sizes too short. Probably sucked off a member of Motley Crue, Poison or Warrant back in 1988. Her daughter did it in 2003.

BLACK PLAGUE wears black clothes, has black hair, sleeps in a black room with black candles and would eat black cereal with black milk if possible.

BRUCE is the lone homosexual at metal shows. Well, he's not alone; he's just the most visible one.

BUBBA is fat, owns a truck, wears flannel shirts 7 days af the week and is more of a hard rock fan than a true metal head. He does know AC/DC, a few Metallica songs and knows Sabbath did Paranoid and Iron Man.

BURNOUT has long, stringy hair that hasn't been washed for 6-weeks. Upper eyelids are dark brown from excessive pot use.

CLEAN CUT has a short, well-maintained haircut and looks like a Top-40 fanboy. Keeps all his music in alphabetical order.

CLUELESS ask this metal chick who she likes and she'll usually say Creed or some other lite-metal.

CRITIC finds any negative thing he can say about every band and their music because he could never play a full song on his Sears-bought guitar much less tune it.

CTHULU is the unshaven guy at a concert who towers over everybody else, but is too lumbering and stupified to get into the pit. Pushes a broomstick in a factory.

DISHRAG is the skanky slut who blows all the road crew for a backstage pass. She really doesn't care all that much for the bands, but since they're in town she has something to do.

DREADHEAD hasn't seen the outside of his room for weeks, worships early Metallica, talks about death, nihilism and collects Nietzsche books he never reads.

DUDE looks 10 years older than he really is. Has a beer belly, ponytail and receding hairline. So shy around chicks that he couldn't get laid in a free whorehouse.

EARTH DOG plays in a decent band and feels that they need more recognition, so he goes to a local radio station and threatens them with waterguns containing pepper sauce, demanding that their demo be played.

FAKE always drops the names of metal bands he supposedly listens to. Bands he mentions are last year's favorites and are despised by real headbangers. Points his fingers a lot and tries to hook-up with CLUELESS at parties.

FOSSIL still has his Iron Butterfly album and calls any metal he hears "acid rock".

HEADBANGER is your average, run-of the-mill metal listener. They have some black shirts mixed in with their work clothes. They work regular jobs during the day and listen to their favorite CDs during the evening. They are the lifeblood that nourishes the metal scene. Appreciate them.

HELL RAT is into pentagrams, Satan and scaring people. Always said he'd die before he's thirty, but ends up married and miserable like the rest of us.

HOTTIE this chick has hair down to her waist and lets it fly from the first power chord. All you can think about when you see her is her hair flying while she's bouncing on your crotch. Every DUDE dreams he can have her.

JAKE is big, ugly, hairy, looks like he just got out of jail yesterday and probably did.

JULIARD plays in a three-piece progressive metal band to single-digit crowds on the weekends and works at Longhorn Steakhouse during the weekday.

MACHINE HEAD owns half a dozen guitars, a Marshall stack and a $2000 pedal system. He can play a hundred riffs, but can't play a full song.

MULLET drinks Budweiser, drives a Camero, and digs 15 year olds. Most likely to be seen with BUBBA at a show. Wears mirrored sunglasses when he's high.

NORTON is bald, heavily tattooed and most likely to be seen in a neo-Nazi pit swinging his fists at guys he has repressed homosexual love for.

RIVITHEAD is a true metalhead, but can't hold down a job because he's about as bright as a burnt-out lightbulb in a trashcan on Jupiter. Usually found reading comic books in the booth at a self-service gas station.

RUNT aka IMP is short, portly and is just starting into his teen years. He's just discovering the big boys of metal--Zeppelin, Sabbath, Maiden and Metallica and is easily impressed when you drop the names of a few Death/Power metal bands. May grow into a DUDE.

SNOB only listens to bands he thinks nobody has ever heard of whether they are good or not. Usually they aren't.

STICK is a tall, rail-thin, lanky fucker who looks like a skeleton with skin. He wouldn't have any shape if it wasn't for his Adam's Apple.

THORAZINE is as crazy as a shithouse rat and listens to metal because it fits well with his hallucinations. Likes to take a daily cocktail of Prozac, Paxil, alcohol and crystal Meth.

TRENDY follows every popular metal trend to come along. He cut his hair when Chris Cornell did, wore black clothes and colored contacts, colored a lock of hair red and had a bald head and soulpatch. Can't wait for the new metal mags to come out and hangs out at Hot Topic.

TROLL spends most of his time on Internet message boards arguing with other metal fans that he has listened to metal longer than them. Anytime a favorite band of his changes their style just the slightest bit, he is the first to declare them sell-outs.

VAMPYRE has a close resemblance to BLACK PLAGUE but is into sustaining his own lifeforce through other's blood and energy. Lives in a theater of mediocrity.

WARRIOR thinks he's descended straight from the blood of Conan the Barbarian. Uses the words: faith, power, gods, grog and battle-ax a lot. Is married with kids and is waiting for Ragnarok to put him out of his  misery.

<< back >>